Don’t Worry, Be Happy.

Have you ever had a day where one song seemed to be surrounding you, constantly? Today at work, there was a toy lion sitting in the ‘for sale’ book box – when you pressed him, he sang and danced to the tune of ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’. Every time someone walked into the staffroom, they pressed his button and off he went. It became a running joke of the day and everyone commented on how fitting the song was; especially when you’re a stressed out, underpaid teacher.

I left work early today to head to our fertility specialist for a follow up appointment, with that song lyric still floating around in my head. We went through our test results, and were asked for our decision: what did we want to do next? The verdict was pretty easy, and one that Jase and I had already agreed on.

We’re going to be doing IVF!

When we’ll start will all depend on when my next cycle begins (if I’ve had no O signs by next week, I’m to start taking progesterone again and induce a period) – but if all goes well, by mid March we should be starting our first cycle. It’s weird, I’ve already got my script of birth control pills ready to use, come CD1. Really – birth control pills? After TTC for all this time? Strange. I’ll be on those for a few weeks, then taking Synarel (a nasal spray in place of Lucrin injections – free vs $200, easy choice to make!), and then the injectibles. And, since it takes so long to get started the first time around, our random three-day trip to Thailand in April won’t affect anything. (Oh, did I mention that we are going to Phuket?)

Next on the agenda is setting up a nurses appointment at the fertility clinic, where they’ll go through the entire ordeal with us in greater detail with us and where we have to pay up-front for the first cycle. The payment part? Not so fun. But honestly, I just can’t wait to get this party started.

So after our appointment, I had to go and have one quick follow-up blood test downstairs in the pathology lab. Care to take a guess what song was playing on the radio there? Yep. ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’. Spooky, eh? And I’m not even done yet. In the car on the way home? SERIOUSLY? Uh-huh.

I guess that’s our motto for this next phase of our TTC journey. 

HyCoSy.. check.

I’m alive, you guys.

The procedure today wasn’t pleasant, but I made it – like loads of you before me! I’d opted to take the day off work, since the appointment was at midday, and J worked from home, to be my chaueffer. I was so nervous. I took a Naprogesic tablet early in the morning, then another one (plus a painkiller) 30 minutes before the procedure, as instructed.

The clinic itself was really nice. A midwife gave me a run-through of the procedure, which was helpful. She asked if I had questions: my main one was the pain. (Hi! I’m a wimp.) She told me that I was fine in asking, that yes, I was likely to be uncomfortable at some moments, but for the most part it would feel like a regular pap smear/pelvic. She also explained that instead of the dye HSG test, we would be doing the HyCoSy instead – they essentially do the same thing, but the HyCoSy uses ultrasound rather than X-Ray, and its dye is supposedly less painful.

After that, I waited for a short while and then went in to meet the doctor. She was lovely, chatting with me about teaching and travelling. I changed into a gown, and had a regular ultrasound to check my pelvic area, followed by a transvaginal ultrasound {aka THE PROBE} to check internally. She measured my ovarian cysts, and commented that there were loads of them – not a big surprise. In her report, I had 25+ on each ovary. Yowsers.

The midwife came in the room then, and they began getting the prep tray ready, which was when I got nervous.  They both kept talking to me, which was a good distraction – and then all started. The speculum part was fine – though I had a good deal of pain while they were inserting the catheter. I definitely remember telling them THAT HURT, and the midwife told me I was doing fine. Other than a few jumpy twinges when the balloon was inflated, I was ok.. just a weird pressure rather than pain.

At that point, though… I kind of passed out. One second I was watching the dye spread on the television screen, the next I was staring at the ceiling and breaking out into a full body sweat. I remember telling them I was a bit dizzy, and then lying there feeling like I was about to fall asleep. Next thing, the speculum and catheter were removed, and the midwife was asking me whether I was back with them now. Apparently I got as pale as my white hospital gown, and got really quiet.. as in, literally stopped talking mid-sentence. They had me lie there for a few minutes, told me both tubes were fine – although the left one took a lot longer than the right to get through. She told me if I’d not taken a turn, she might have made me wiggle a little bit – but it got through by itself, which was good.

And that was that! It took a while for my body sweats and dizziness to subside, and I felt like SUCH an idiot. Not because of the pain, because that was brief – but who passes out on the table during a freakin’ pelvic exam? They were really kind & told me it happened every now and again – apparently something to do with nerve endings and pressure. Yep, that AND me being a fraidy cat. But all in all? It’s over. I’m done. And I have clear tubes. Yay!

And I’m out.

I was right; those gut feelings told me the truth.

AF arrived in the form of cramping this morning, temp dropped, and BAM, period.

I guess it’s back to the drawing board for us.

Blame it on the Pee-Sticks.

I knew, deep down, I wouldn’t be able to hold out until Valentines Day to test.

I blame it on the fact that it’s been so frigging long since I’ve been in a TWW; I’m back to feeling like a newbie at it all, and the anticipation has been killing me. Sure, I promised myself to be realistic – the dr. basically told us we had Buckley’s chance of conceiving naturally, after all – but I can’t help it. This feels like a miracle ovulation, you know? Why couldn’t there be a miracle pregnancy out of it?

Symptoms so far:

• Temps still above the coverline
• Ridiculously sore nipples (since 2DPO – crazy)
• Going from bouts of completely dry CM, to copious amounts of creamy CM.

Bad symptoms, aka, I think AF is coming:

• I’m hungry. ALL THE TIME. Usually for naughty things.
• Cramping.
• Upset tummy – not sure what the cause is.

I tested on 9DPO. 10DPO. And this morning at 11DPO. All have been blindingly obvious Big Fat Negatives. I’m still telling myself the usual ‘ it’s still early!’ ‘you might get a positive later!’ ‘the symptoms look good’ – and at the same time, I’m trying to set myself up for the realisation that this isn’t going anywhere, and it’s time to prepare for AF.

(Yes, if and when she arrives, that will be a celebration in itself. That doesn’t mean that I’m not allowed to have a cry when she’s here.)

Emotions.

TTC is emotionally draining.

• How do you deal with the constant questions about babies, when it’ll be time, why you’re waiting for so long – when all you want to do is cry?
• How do you explain why you’re so quick to deem a cycle as being negative, when you’re only trying to protect yourself?
• How do you politely tell someone that they can’t possibly understand what it’s like to be an infertile, when they’re a mother, three-fold themselves, and when you’ve never had the chance?
• How do you keep on trucking, working, being a friend, when all you want to do is curl up in bed and hide?

I’m 9, nearly 10DPO, and I think I’m out this cycle.

7DPO

It’s so nice to actually say that… days PAST ovulation. I wish I was able to say it every cycle.

So, here I am – 7DPO and in what feels like the most ridiculously long TWW that there ever was. I’ve just given about 6 vials of blood – testing for all sorts of crazy things in what Dr. F called a ‘pre-IVF’ work-up. I also had a CD21 work-up (although I’m CD22, but 7DPO) to see how things are going, although I won’t get these results until AFTER the cycle ends.

I’ve felt pretty calm these past few days. I’m trying to be realistic and just pray for a natural period if all else fails.. but I’ve had some crazy sore boobs/sensitive nipples. I never usually get this; but chances are, it’s just because of the progesterone that my body is (hopefully) producing after the big O.

The plan is to wait this cycle out, then take 100mg of Clomid on days 2-6 again for the next one. After CD6 (when AF has ended, and I’ve taken the Clomid dosage) I’m to get the HSG/HyCoSy .. and then it’ll be a matter of seeing the RE again and telling her what our next decision is. Lots going on -I’m so nervous and excited at the same time.

On the bright side… ovulation?!?!?!

Check out that red line, friends!

Sure, hope is futile… but I’m still holding out for Valentines Day.